The Toxic Relationship Between Kitty and Erik Menendez

Part of the one case, three perspectives set of articles.

Erik Menendez is furious with Ryan Murphy, the producer who portrayed the two brothers in Monsters: The Lyle and Erik Menendez Story.

He accused Murphy of telling “blatant lies” about himself and Lyle. Erik stated that Netflix’s riveting true-crime drama contains “vile and appalling character portrayals.”

Everyone’s entitled to opinions, but Murphy insists Erik’s criticism isn’t justified.

The Menedez brothers were convicted of the brutal 1989 parricide of their parents. Their original crime and Murphy’s story has unleashed a firestorm of controversy. 

It’s linked to the brothers’ claims they were sexually abused by their father.

Erik Menendez never got what he desired

Many aspects of the famous case are mired in secrets, rumors, and gossip.

One mystery concerns Erik’s relationship with his mother, Kitty. According to his accounts, he adored her. Tragically, she never gave him the motherly love he craved.

In chilling words, Erik recounts the times his mom would scream that she hated him and wished he’d never been born.

Kitty viciously told her youngest that he’d ruined her life. Without him, she heartlessly told him, she could have been something. Kitty was cruel and vicious and didn’t care about Erik’s feelings.

One of Kitty’s friends, Diane, shared that Kitty never wanted to have children. She warned that kids only drive a wedge between a man and a woman.

Even now, Erik still struggles with Kitty’s mental, emotional, and physical abuse. He swears he loves her and misses her.

On September 19, 2024, Erik posted, “I hope it is never forgotten that violence against a child creates a hundred horrendous and silent crime scenes darkly shadowed behind glitter and glamor (sic) and rarely exposed until tragedy penetrates everyone involved.”

A tumultuous childhood

Mary Louise (Kitty) Andersen was the family’s baby when she was born in 1941. When she arrived, her parents, Charles and Mae Andersen, already had three children.

The Andersen family looked like a typical middle-class Oak Lawn (Chicago) Illinois family. It was anything but. Her father appeared successful and owned an air-conditioning business. Behind closed doors, Charles was cruel and abusive to Mae and his children. 

He abandoned his family to live with a mistress while Kitty was still a child.
She did not take it well. By all accounts, his daughter was angry and bitterly unhappy over her father’s betrayal. Kitty had witnessed his abuse of her mother, Mae, and that left scars on her for the rest of her life.

The youngest Andersen broke all ties with her father, whom she despised. A deeply unhappy, moody, and depressed child, she was a loner who struggled to make friends.

A deadly love

Her life seemed to turn for the better when her glamour and stunning beauty attracted Cuban José Menendez. They met on the campus of Southern Illinois University in Carbondale, Illinois.

When the couple decided to marry in 1964, both families opposed the union. Kitty’s family condemned José’s Cuban heritage, and the Menendez family disapproved of the Andersens’ divorce.

They also worried that at 19, he was too young to marry. Kitty was almost three years older. It didn’t matter. They married anyway in 1964.

Her husband was a very ambitious and successful businessman. On January 10, 1968, Kitty gave birth to Lyle. At her husband’s insistence, the former beauty queen gave up her career as an elementary school teacher. She became a full-time stay-at-home wife and mother.

Teaching hadn’t fulfilled Kitty’s lifelong career dreams. She wanted to be an actress and movie star. Regardless, she was forced to settle once she was Mrs. Menedez and had a baby.

Just as her early childhood looked idyllic, her marriage seemed picture-perfect. Both lives were fraudulent. Erik shared that Kitty felt having her boys ruined her life, marriage, career potential, and happiness.

Kitty was excellent at acting in her private life. She played the role of a charming and attractive wife, but behind that facade was a high-strung, stressed-out woman who felt trapped in a nightmare life.

Into the abyss

History was tragically repeating itself for Kitty. Just as her father cheated on her mother, José was “flagrantly unfaithful.” The housewife sank into a deep depression over her husband’s betrayals.

Kitty coped with her despair by becoming withdrawn. The rage-filled woman consumed increasing amounts of alcohol and prescription pills. She slid into full-blown addiction.

In 1987, the family matriarch attempted suicide with a bottle of sleeping pills. Her friend Karen Lam said she tried to take her own life three times.

Although she survived her attempts, her marital problems worsened. The relationship she had with her children was completely fractured. 

Kitty’s therapist, Edwin S. Cox, testified about her mental state during the first trial. He said she was suicidal due to her husband’s eight-year affair with a woman in New York.

In Monsters, Kitty is depicted as mean with a palpable dislike for her boys. In one scene, she tells her therapist that she hated her kids. There’s no question she was battling many demons.

Kitty’s addictions fueled Erik’s trauma

Their mother’s addiction to pills and alcohol added to Erik’s abusive home life. He was already enduring all forms of abuse at the hands of his dad. His older brother confessed to sexually abusing him, and his relationship with Kitty was twisted.

Instead of helping her children deal with their overbearing and abusive husband, she added to their stress. What’s rarely discussed in the Menedez case is how Kitty’s alcohol and substance abuse created terrible psychological problems for her kids. 

According to The National Institutes of Health (NIH.gov), children of parents who abuse substances are three times more likely to be physically, sexually, mentally, or emotionally abused. They may also become abusers.

Children of an addicted parent often struggle with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. It can also lead to issues with overall behavior and aggression. These problems frequently trigger strong emotional angst and mood swings.

These kids are more likely to develop substance use disorders in their own lives. An alarming percentage may start using substances earlier and accelerate patterns of use.

Their parent’s abuse issues may contribute to their limited social lives. They may avoid bringing friends home or going out publicly with their parents. 

Parental substance abuse can lead to total family breakdown, which can negatively impact children’s mental health for an extended period. 

Kitty turned a blind eye

During their first trial (1993), the siblings detailed the parental abuse they suffered. They said that abuse led to their parent’s murders on August 20, 1989.

While on the stand, Lyle admitted his father’s sexual abuse triggered his mistreatment of Erik. At the time, they were adolescents.

The elder Menendez sibling testified he told his mother about his father’s abuse. She hadn’t expressed concern.

But then, Lyle shared that Kitty had also abused him. Along with her apathy, he testified his mother acted “very strange” and often violent. She harassed him with bizarre sexual conduct.

If Kitty had treated Lyle that way, would she have repeated her behavior with her youngest? This triggers additional questions. Was Kitty’s altered state responsible for her behavior? Or was she repeating behaviors she learned as an abused and violated child?

Erik felt closer to his mother than his father. His family and friends often described him as having a similar emotional profile to her. The abuse she rained down on him and her lack of love added to his feelings of Parental betrayal.

This was just another piece of a highly complicated abuse puzzle.

Erik craved a deep connection with Kitty

But despite everything, Erik wanted to set the record straight. He wants the world to know how much he loved his mother and how guilty he felt about her death.

Erik wanted his mother’s love. He admitted he’s never reconciled how his mother truly felt about him.

In Netflix’s Menendez Brothers, Erik expressed his remorse for committing violent acts. He has deep guilt over the loss of his mother.

“One of the misconceptions is that I did not love my father or love my mother,” he explained in a Netflix documentary series.

He said, “That is the farthest thing from the truth. I miss my mother tremendously. I wish I could go back and talk to her and hug her and tell her I love her, and I wanted her to love me and be happy with me and be happy that I was her son and feel that joy and that connection. And I just want that.”

Ironically, Erik finally found the love he sought with Tammi Saccoman, his wife since 1999.

He told People in 2005, “Tammi is what gets me through,” He explained, “I can’t think about the sentence. When I do, I do it with great sadness and a primal fear. I break into a cold sweat. It’s so frightening; I just haven’t come to terms with it.”

One Case, Three Different Perspectives

This article is part of a challenge I completed with two other fantastic crime writers, Sam H. Arnold at Murder Mayhem UK and Author Ed Anderson at Coffee and Crime.

We are all friends. We are all crime writers. We all have different perspectives on the story. Too often, writers, especially those in the crime genre, fret about discussing cases with their friends. There is a worry that someone will steal an idea or find success with research done for them. 

We are not those crime writers. There’s a joy that comes from talking about cases with one another. Ideas are formed. And sometimes, yes, we are swayed by what someone else says.

Enjoy all three pieces. Let us know your perspective on the case. And please like and subscribe to the other two amazing newsletters.